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| having no internet is very very refreshing. i can get into this... wait, no.. i am
into this. all of my real friends can call me to get in
contact with me, we'll have fun, drink tea, hit up the odd ends of the
city and get eclairs. if you dont have my number e-mail me
carinasama@gmail.com. sorry xanga, but i have little time for
you.
enjoy christ's birth all, and be blessed.
| | |
| i've managed to leave two print boxes in the digital lab (apx $175
worth of paper + all my prints from this semester). i'm not too
freaked out about it, for i've done it before and it was nice and safe
where i had left it. one box had my name and number on it, so
hopefully whoever finds it will place it in the clear where i can find
it for my crit tomorrow morning.
i'm tired of thinking about school. i'm moving in a few weeks. or
one and a half weeks. or one weekend from this weekend? i'm
not exactly sure. i havent packed anything up, i'm pretty
unprepared for it all. but hopefully i can get settled and things
will be fine and i'll be living it up in so. philly. come have
coffee with me in the italian market. we'll drive the people at
gleaners crazy.
weblogs typically are boring when the writer either (a) talks about
their day or (b) talks about what they discovered over a cup of chai
while thinking of the deeper meanings of life. and then there's
(c) they talk about their new favorite band and why their lyrics are so
great. i've been guilty of all three of these points, and probably
still am by writing this post. give me something interesting to
read and maybe if i have time i'll read it.
things i've discovered recently that no one cares about:
1. i seriously loathe today's fashions and how impractical they
are. i'm looking for a sweater... you know, so that it can keep
me warm, not all of these half sweater/three quarter length/t-shirt
material/holey "sweaters" that i'd have to wear at least 3 or more
layers to stay warm whilst riding my bike down the fridged streets of
philadelphia. stores today practically force me to shop at
goodwills because i cant afford good normal clothes that have the least
bit of style to them
2. movies are great. especially free ones when your friend
works at ritz 5 and tells you about all the new fun artsy films that
inspire you to create beautiful works to go along with them (thank you
wes anderson, thank you)
3. spandex... is a god send
i probably have more but i'm fearful that i have continued for too long already.
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| i've been hiding away, and for that i am sorry. its hard.
its hard missing someone who is gone and you will never see again in
this life. thinking about the memories you've shared, and longing
to share in more. wanting just to be able to talk to them, hear
their voice, see their smile, laugh with them...
i know he is in heaven. he deserves to be there. i just cant help but to cry for him.
i've been thinking about loving others. i've done such a horrible
job at this, that i think i'm just going to start over. loving
others not because it makes you feel better, or makes you look good,
not because you pity them, or because you have something to offer
them... but loving them for the sake of loving them... because Christ
instructed us to... and enjoying it.
Jake wrote a letter to us before he left for heaven. the last
line of the letter read: "remember friends, that the most important
thing to do is to love."
trends, social standings, class, reputation - they are all earthly
treasures. But love, and being able to love, is heavenly.
it is the greatest commandment, and for a good reason. love can
change a life, it can turn a head, and make a mark on a person so much
greater than any man-made creation, title, reputation, or praise
can.
is it wrong to place others before youself? I love myself so much
more than anything else in the world... if I were to love others
as I love myself, i should have to love them above all else, put them
beyond first. think about that.
who can i love today?
| | |
| at jake's funeral last night:
"your friendship meant alot to him," said his father through a tearful smile.
i cant remember the last time i cried that much. i wanted to hold
on to his father and mother as long as i could. but there was a
long line of other loved ones who also wanted to do the same. i
told his mom i would call her and continue to see her. i love
them so much, and being with them lets me see a glimmer of jake.
| | |
| "you need to be strong enough to change the things that are important to you"
he said to me. that was the second to last time i saw him.
jake passed away on thursday. the cancer in his brain has taken its toll.. his life.
i dont know what to feel. sadness, pain, relief, joy. it's a jumbled
mix of it all. my mind tells itself to be sad. it hurts, i miss him,
i want to see him smile again. i want to hear his jokes, his stories.
but at the same time i let out a sigh of relief. his is no longer in
pain. he is safe, in heaven, with God. which brings me joy. but i
cant help but cry still.
i met jake last winter while
feeding the homeless. his bright eyes and warm smile made me feel at
home with him. like we've been friends forever.. except the fact that
i knew nothing about him. we hung out. i took his picture for my
project. he told me he had cancer.
our conversation
spanned over 3 hours. i was blown away by him. he had a huge heart
for helping others, especially homeless people. he never once
complained since i've known him. he also was very strong in his faith
in God. he told me he wasn't mad, and that if he died tomorrow, he
wouldn't have regretted one day.
i continued to see jake
often. we went out for coffee, played cards constantly, went to
kareoke, played with his dog (freddie), played with his little cousins
and his sister's drum set. i got to know most of his family and had
dinner with them on one occation.
I thank God for letting
Jake into my life. he's opened my eyes and heart so many times over.
unknowingly, he's taught me several things, and made me strive to love
others more. i never told him any of this. i was afraid to tell him.
but now he knows regardless. | | |
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